Wardrobe hell

I don't know whether it's the impending changing of the seasons or what, but I felt very out of sorts (meaning: I wanted to throw up and simultaneously lost the will to live) when I opened my wardrobe the other day. There was absolutely nothing I could wear. What, in the name of Gucci, did I think I was doing when I bought that paisley frock and matched it so juicily (I thought) with brown pirate boots and layers last autumn? Now it just seems so blah... or rather bleeeaaauugh. And as for the calf length purple skirt co-ordinated with black boots that, I now realise, made me look as though I was channelling Stevie Nicks (I know, some of you reading this probably don't know who Stevie Nicks is... another reason for me to feel globally depressed). My angst was confirmed when I opened the latest Hun fashion supplement to learn that boho is out and tailored is in. The bastards; they've done it again. I was so bamboozled by this change of direction I accidentally dyed my hair purple, having misunderstood the ominous meaning of the words "Mahogany chestnut" on the packet, a sign of bad karma if ever there was one. I've decided I'm going to end it all with a black dustbin bag this weekend... to put my old clothes in of course. I must say I do find myself longing nostalgically for a more innocent age... like 1200AD or the 1990's, where a bit of taupe hessian was all you needed to make a fashion statement... Now it's all skinny jeans, big glasses, teeny clutches, colossal bags, high waists, low waists, black and white graphics, rustic meets urban... it seems change is the only constant, but why? If I was Michael Moore I'd say it was fear. I'm not Michael Moore, but I'll say it anyway. It's fear. We are afraid if we stand still our clothes will betray us. It's all got to do with a primitive instinct not to be separated from the herd, become weak and be torn limb from limb by predators. Don't let anyone tell you fashion isn't deep. It's got more to do with Darwin's theory of evolution than it ever receives credit for. Fear is presumably also the reason why a company in the US has developed a brand of sneaker that comes complete with a tiny Global Positioning System chip designed to stop children or Alzheimer's patients straying too far. If stray they do, a parent, spouse or guardian can call a monitoring service, whereupon operators can activate the GPS remotely and alert authorities, providing the caller can provide the correct password. And I thought my life was complicated. Mind you, if they could invent a device that administered an electric shock every time the wearer made a fashion faux pas, I'm sure we'd all sleep a lot easier at night.