Shocking behaviour

What an traumatic few weeks! It all started with Tarjay's latest designer collaboration. Frankly I feel betrayed; I've always fondly considered Tarjay as affordable and satisfying as hot chips, until it started serving up its own version of Beluga caviar in the form of designer collaborations with the likes of Teensy N. Sleeveless, Alice McDoll and now, from the UK, Starlette McBeatlesdottir. If Starlette's designer partnerships in Blighty are anything to go by, normally civilised women will by now have morphed into crazed harpies clawing each other's eyes out to purchase the entire Starlette collection and sell it on eBay. This would explain why Tarjay's phones have been unattainable for weeks, and why shifty women have been spotted outside head office toting bundles stuffed with cash and/or sawn off shot guns... all in a bid to make their plea for first grabs of Starlette's range as eloquent as possible. "Just Be Happy"? Forget it. I think "Just Lose All Sense Of Perspective, Get Trampled And Three Months Later Wonder Whether it Was Worth Ending Up In Traction For The Sake Of A Starlette Trench!" might be a better jingle right now. As if that wasn't bad enough I have also witnessed the dawning of a new terror for womankind in the form of the dire assertion - made by "scientists" in a recent UK report - that "exercise can seriously damage your breasts". And here's me thinking the only way to stop the damn things reaching the floor was significant bouts of puffing in the gym. I was wrong. Forget global warming and terrorism, Irreversible Breast Sag (IBS) is the scourge of our times. Experts claim it's caused by all the, um, bouncing that accompanies exercise. The only way to save ourselves is to a) stop exercising completely b) buy a Shock Absorber Bra. Option a) has obvious appeal, although the drawback would be that your whole body would head south instead of just your breasts, while option b) just can't happen... once you've got shock absorbers in your bra all semblance that the world is intelligible goes out the window. What next? Knickers with brake pads? Although... I've known a few girls who could use those, but we won't go there. Despite my carping, the report does contain gems. Gem one; the average breast weighs 200 to 300 grams [What the? How, short of lopping the things off and weighing them, can even "scientists" make this claim with accuracy?] Gem two: "breasts move in a three dimensional figure of eight; up and down, in and out and side to side"... I never knew my knockers were so talented. Forget shock absorbers, I'm half tempted to let them sag until they reach the ground, then buy them a pair of ice skates. If they can manage three dimensional figures of eight, they'll be doing triple axles in no time. They'll become Olympians... then celebrities... I'll become rich, and I won't have to shop at Tarjay to afford Starlette McBeattlesdottir.