fraserlive: 2006 FRASERLIVE AWARDS
It's time again for the annual Fraserlive Awards in which people who don't win are generally more pleased than those who do. This is because the awards celebrate stuff-ups, mistakes, regretful actions, financial failures and misunderstandings.
2006 Award nominations were not permitted and there was a biased judging panel of one. The awards, therefore, can never be accused of being fair. If you didn't get a Fraserlive Award this year, and feel you deserved one, send folding money to the judging panel and, if the judge thinks it's enough, you'll get an award next year.
Award winners will not receive an event gift bag comprising a bottle of unknown fragrance, a corporate cap inappropriate for all occasions, a failed pop group T shirt with a thick rubber print, two concert tickets for which they have to pay, and a book on how to grow miniature pumpkins. The judging panel notes that there is no Mahulla Trophy awarded for 2006 because there has not been a worthy bankruptcy. Hopefully next year will produce enough failures to make a reasonable contest.
The Hercule Poirot Shield
This is for crime detection, and goes to the Textiles, Clothing and Footwear Union which has solved many baffling cases of clothing company non-compliance with the Industrial Relations Law. Most prevalent of these unlawful acts is not keeping satisfactory records of outworkers' outworkings. Since the union is the beneficiary of the fines it imposes, guilty clothing companies were shown mercy to the point where they could just afford to pay up without going mahulla.
The Sheet Mettle Award
This much coveted award has been won by Australian Customs which showed terrific mettle by removing the 15 per cent duty on imported sheets but leaving it on sheeting fabric, thereby seriously wounding the local sewers of bed sheets. The sewers, not surprisingly, yelled for the removal of the removal. Customs not only had to accomplish the removal removal move but had to rebate some duty as well.
Laying the Gowings Ghost Citation
This prestigious citation has not gone to Gowings but to Supre. In the spirit of Waltzing Matilda, 'and their ghosts may be heard as you pass by Gowings corner. . .' there were persistent misty forms of elderly lady bowlers looking for white blouses or wistful middle aged men intent upon cheap grey socks. Supre has laid them to all rest by re-birthing the corner to be everything Gowings wasn't.
The Flying Shopper Medallion
The big winner this year was Canberra Airport which managed to attract not one but two shopping centre developers who fought over the right to provide more shops near the airport than could be supported by customers - unless they were flown in. Most other major airports have done their share of shop scheming too, believing that they can extract money from more than just air travellers.
The Dual Silver Listening Spoons
Go to the government body IP Australia for patiently listening to the grizzles of designers who say their styles are being knocked off. IP will now register designs for a fee. But what does that do to the age old Australian tradition of knocking off? I just wonder where some of these carping designers got their ideas from in the first place and whether there is an overseas version of IP that might jump on them. Incidentally, one of the award spoons is original and the other is a copy.
The Snooze Room Reclining Figurine
When Ragtrader lived in Riley Street, I had a disused laundry containing a piano and a folding stretcher bed for those lunchtimes when I needed music plus 25 winks (there wasn't enough time for 40). I now hear that Jeff Moss had gone one better before he sold his interest in Pretty Girl. If my information is correct, he built a slumberous retreat in the middle of the building, which beats my laundry (previous winner) and therefore I must hand over the coveted figurine.
The Thumb Twiddler Medal
Is given to the best heeled, least stressed entrepreneur who is this way because he has just sold his/her business. Marc Keighery (Marcs) looked to be a cert for the medal but he came of out of twiddlehood to design the new Telstra store uniforms. Then Jeff Moss (Pretty Girl) was looking good until he won the Snooze Room Figurine. This left Jonathon Ind of Hot!! Clothing who sold his business, sold his building and finally sold his wife Jill to Style HQ.
Sale of the Century Gold Cup
This goes to John Fletcher for flogging the Myer stores for the flabbergasting price of $1.4 billion to Newbridge Capital. Unfortunately, because Myer is now in private hands, we don't know whether Newbridge is yet making a dollar out of the purchase. I think not.
The What Am I Stuck With Crystal Goblet
This has been won to James Packer who bought the other bookend of the Pretty Girl Fashion Group from Jeff Moss. Although James probably didn't like the way things were going at Pretty Girl it is doubtful whether he will like being sole owner of the colossus either, and may pass the parcel.
The Monster Grappling Logie
The logie goes to Sally McDonald who has taken over the management reigns from Ross Lane at Oroton. Sally has plenty with which to grapple, including Oroton, Marcs, Morrissey, and Ralph Lauren/Polo.
Wrong Award Award
This expensive-to-win award goes to Ari Tsigiris who, with the best of intentions, bestowed upon the trade the Australian Fashion Enterprise Awards. It cost him a quater of a mill to feed the not-hungry and define an event that the fashion industry did not want.
Button-down Fridge Magnets
These will be distributed to all the men in the fashion industry and, indeed, all male public figures, who are still wearing shirts with button-down collars. The magnets will say 'Do not detach this reminder until you have detached button-downs from your life'. Do the wearers realise that they are immediately identifiable as yesterday's men? We are about to go to a state election in NSW and, later in the year a federal election. If I was Peter Debnam or Kevin Rudd I'd start collar-culling immediately.