Katwalker
Gosh, female shoppers are a demanding bunch; their search for perfection reminds me of that sexist joke about The Husband Store. At the entrance a mission statement explains that there are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends. The first floor promises men with jobs, the second promises men with jobs who love kids; the men on the third floor have all these qualities and are also extremely good looking, while the fourth and fifth floors add a love of housework and a strong romantic streak to the mix; nevertheless most women proceed to the sixth floor where the sign reads: "You are visitor umpteen million to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store."
Something tells me this is not a joke made up by females, and while it probably doesn't tell the whole truth about gender politics, it does say a lot about women and shopping. If I added up the hours I personally have wasted in pursuit of The Ultimate Purchase... I'd get really depressed; which is why I have no intention of adding up the hours I personally have wasted in pursuit of The Ultimate Purchase.
The question for those in the fashion world is, how on earth to service such a demanding demographic? The answer of course is weight loss underwear or jeans, an idea so bonkers it might just work. It's not a new concept, but the fact that so much of it was showcased this month at the annual lingerie fair in Paris hints consumers are finally ready. Sceptics claim that cosmeto-textiles - impregnated with agents that help the wearer slim or feel cool and fresh - have a lifespan limited to around 20 washes... but isn't that the whole point? One of the central tenets of the female consumer psyche is that after 20 washes she'll be bored with those jeans anyway... which can only mean one thing; more sales.
Talking of jeans, it seems Aussie fashion parlance has made a hit with that arbiter of Australian English, the Macquarie Dictionary, which declared "muffin top" the word of the year for 2006. The victory was all the sweeter since "muffin top" was short listed for the 2005 American Dialect Society's most creative word, only to lose out to "whale tail" - the bit of a g-string, or thong, that shows above the waistband; lovely. "Muffin" plus "top" equals two words, but that did not stop the phrase from trouncing "affluenza", meaning dissatisfaction with consumerism. Put that way there's a poetry to it. Muffin tops are a direct result of skinny jeans. Skinny jeans - the majority of womankind looks awful in them; the majority of womankind owns a pair - are a manifestation of consumerism gone mad. Ergo, anyone game enough to sport a muffin top has not yet succumbed to affluenza. Muffin tops rule, okay?