No ifs: no butts - big butt: no denim

As if being six foot tall with a wrinkly rear proboscis wasn't handicap enough. Then some bright spark had to go and make the going tougher by making skinny jeans the new black.
It's fair to say the spray-on look has never really looked sexy on me. The fishnet stockings I can get away with. But oddly enough, this latest incarnation of denim is not dissimilar to my other unfortunate experiences with the fabric with neither flares, low-waist or acid wash really doing my somewhat inflamed silhouette any justice.
As my friend and colleague subtly put it: "Mate, no one wants to see your T-Bar or your crack." In other words: kindly keep it under wraps.
Clearly my early experimentation was misguided, vulgar and - in many if not all instances - just plain wrong.
But I've accepted that.
Should I ever have the good fortune to see either of the sass & bide girls down at my local fish and chippie, I will warmly congratulate them on their domestic as well as international success. And maybe even mean it.
And despite all the do-gooders crawling out from under their rocks to chastise poor Bettina Liano for introducing a size 25 (23-inch waist) jean to her collection, I, for one, genuinely applaud her decision.
After all, smaller-than-average ladies face finding fitting clothes a challenge as well - I only wish it was their sort of problem I had.
From where I sit - which I admit may actually be part of my problem - it appears there are some butts on whom skinny jeans look fantastic. And then there are the rest of us.
Which goes some of the way to explaining why I have instituted a strict no-denim policy.
You can package it anyway you like but I shall not budge.
The denimwear market is (quite literally) jumping in, out and all over its skin, with not only Liano and sass & bide's skinny jeans still selling well but other brands - like Vigilante jeans (which has developed a special "travel wear" type of lightweight denim jean) and Per Capital (which allows you to construct your own jeans online) - taunting me with their popularity.
A new trend in denimwear, however, has really got me thinking.
News out of the United Kingdom suggests that like the bubble skirts and leg warmers, looser fit jeans will soon be making a come back.
It says while skinny jeans have been all the rage since last year, they are soon to be replaced by "boyfriend jeans" - ie loose fitting in the same sense as wearing your fella's favourites.
Defined by their straighter leg and higher rise - in fashion circles, at least - it would appear these jeans are where it's at.
Brands such as Marc Jacobs, Chloe and Zac Posen are credited with leading the way. However, more mainstream brands such as Levis and G-Star have also followed suit as the look is set to become much more commercial. It is already believed to be paying dividends for high street stores including New Look and River Island.
Prompting me to think that maybe I have been a little harsh in my banning of all things denim.
Maybe, just maybe it's time to give it another crack.