Awards
Once a year I review the events of the past 12 months and reward the soldiers of misfortune with recognition. This to let them know that somebody out there cares, and has noticed they stuffed up. The awards will be presented at my annual Fraserlive ball, this year to be held in Gowings basement which I understand will be vacant and available for private functions. It's a dress-up ball. You must come dressed as either Dawn Robertson or Mark McInnes. The night will finish with a food fight.
The Mahulla Trophy
To Wayne Cooper - although 2005 was a lousy year for financial failures. Wayne's little bust would be no more than a speed hump in a good year. Anyway, he won it fair and square with his collapse in April. In true schmutta style he's risen from the dead and is trading in a new incarnation.
Gowings was in the running too, but they're still trying to find a buyer, so the true extent of the red ink is yet to be revealed.
The "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" Triple Prize
To Ida, Izhar and Nitzan Ronen for improving the efficiency of prison laundries, prison garment manufacturing and the governor's japonica garden. Rumour has it that they are about to release a new lingerie range called "From the Inside".
Rollercoaster Award
To Millers Retail for a share price that had the investors squealing with terror as it rose and fell and went around sudden and unexpected corners.
Copycat Logies
Will be distributed to all stall holders who have sold fake designer label clobber during 2005. These generous people have given the struggling consumer the pleasure of wearing Diesel, or Nike, or Vuitton and a whole lot of other designer labels for about 10 per cent of the price of an original. The logies will be handed out to those who come forward to identify themselves as public benefactors. When they get the logies home they will find that I have found a way to mould dogs' poo.
Gone to Buggery Award
To Gowings, for managing to go into administration when it had the best retail position in Australia. There used to be a sign in the shop which said 'nobody asked to buy'. Now everybody is taking it seriously.
Having Cake and Eating it Too Award
To Simon Lock for his remarkable feat in selling Mercedes Australian Fashion Week and keeping his job to still head it up. What's the betting he'll buy it back again next year at half the price.
Container Constipation Citation
To the combined cock-ups of Customs, customs agents, importers and wharf operators who managed to create mountains of containers in most Australian ports because they couldn't operate the new import clearance computer program which was installed specifically to avoid the creation of mountains of containers.
Chocolate Feast Cook-off Award
To Craig Ruby, late of Charles Parsons, who had a dinner party where all the scrumptious food had to be dipped in bowls of liquid chocolate on the dinner table before eating. Chocolate coated asparagus and oysters were especially popular.
Best Joke of the Year Golden Globe
To Dr John Gattorna, a so called "international thought leader", who said ". .a Zara-like approach would work in Australia. . " Let's see the colour of your money, John.
Wool Bull Award
To all those do-gooders who have tried to make wool imitate other, lesser fibres. The continual stream of triumphant announcements that wool washes, pleats, breathes/doesn't breathe, and doesn't irritate genetalia is sending it down market, not up where it belongs with its unique character - and yes, limited volume.
The Vacillating Vendor Cup
Goes to John Fletcher, CEO of Coles Myer, for a dithersome performance over the sale of the Myer stores. Maybe they will be sold, maybe they won't, or if they are sold there will be conditions. And then there's the touchy subject of how much money, which might or might not be enough.
There are also wall plaques for the prospective buyers who came sniffing around, some forming alliances and some going solo and all wondering what they hell they would do with 61 department stores anyway.
Unlikely Marriage Goblet of Fire
To Physico and Ed Harry who tied the public knot and became Biron Apparel last September.
There have been some fiery moments as the couple settle down to married life and decide who does what around the house.
The Container Hilton
To all those importers who allowed their containers to be used as temporary housing in the countries of origin. Many of the tenants left food scraps behind as evidence of their stay.
The Survivor Award
To Westfield, especially Bondi Junction, for the training given to small fashion retailers in the skills of making a profit when rent, wages and advertising total more than turnover.
Porkies Citation
To Australian Fashion Innovators, organisers of Mercedes Australian Fashion Week which said in July that MAFW was not up for sale. Well, maybe it was only a part-porky because it wasn't sold until October.
Military Medal
To Andrew Edgar, the MD of Yakka who stepped into a lesser role mid 2005 when John Bergin replaced him. A press statement said that Andrew would remain as a director of "various Yakka corporal apparel subsidiaries". Corporal? Whips and straps? Or maybe khaki clobber with a double herringbone on the sleeve?
Panel Beater's Cup
Went to Peter Morrissey when some text-messaging-diverted driver walloped his Jaguar in March. Peter jumped out and gave the offending driver a jolly good talking to, arms folded.
The Forsaken Farting Dog Award
To Dare Jennings who has forsaken his Mambo farting dog for farting motor bikes with a new business called "Deus Ex Machina" in Sydney.